Monday, February 20, 2006

 

My Resume

Title:

High Tech Martyr

Objective:

I am seeking a position that will utilize many years experience taking the blame for things that don't go as planned.

Experience:

Company Name withheld (2000-Present)
  • helped deliver a project 2 months late and $149,000 over budget
  • created custom reports to accurately display the level of failure
  • generated colorful charts and graphs to compare this failed project with more successful projects of the past
  • used multiple sofware packages to incorrectly track progress
Company Name withheld (1998-2000)
  • successfully accepted blame for a large scale enterprise software soltuion that was never completed
  • blindly managed 100+ resources towards no deliverable
  • coversaw $1.2 million allocated towards no particular goal
  • documented the entire process of false information with multiple software packages
Company Name withheld (1995-1998)
  • successfully mismanaged multiple projects for clients including Hewlett Packard, Intel, Compaq, Sony, and Toshiba
  • poorly documented project status with Microsoft Project, Microsoft Excel, and Task Tracker
  • communicated false and/or useless information to top-level management with PowerPoint
  • accpeted full responsibilty to save Top level management the embarrassment of failure
Other Duties:
  • failed holiday party (2002)
  • forgot to clean office kitchen (2001)
  • alphabetized files incorreclty (2001)
  • forgot to FedEx important documents (2000)
  • insulted CEO's wife(1984)

Additional Skills:

I am also available to screw up and accept blame for private parties, family events, office parties and bar mitzvahs

Contact:

For more information, please leave a comment.
No reasonable offer will be refused.

# posted @ 2/20/2006 06:39:00 PM
Comments:
Here I inform you that I have put your resume on my database. Once I finalize the plan to give my enemy's corporation a total blow, I will call you up.


Continue to sharken your sword....
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 7:50 PM
 
Copy to where?
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 7:10 AM
 
I've decided to hire you based on your honesty. Congratulations. Your cubicle is in the basement... just follow the mushrooms growing along the wall and you'll come to a retro-style computer. Bring a crossword puzzle with you to occupy yourself while you wait for the commodor 64 to boot up.

I think you'll do great things here.
# posted by Blogger torvo : 8:11 AM
 
Very funny, thanks for the laugh.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 11:56 AM
 
:) Funny I love this page.

R2K
# posted by Blogger High Power Rocketry : 2:13 PM
 
That's hilarious!
# posted by Blogger Tiffany : 3:24 PM
 
great stuff !
# posted by Blogger aschmails : 8:09 PM
 
I'll be applying for a job this summer. If I use a similar resume, what are the chances I win the job for just being honest?
# posted by Blogger Sam : 4:42 AM
 
You're hired.
# posted by Blogger Youssef : 1:09 PM
 
Absolutely awesome blog dude
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 11:33 PM
 
Are you a log honker?

The way to honk a log:

Go to the store
Buy a honk-honk horn
Find a log
Attach horn to the log
Honk the horn

Sincerely,

Gruntie
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 4:33 PM
 
This neither funny nor "Humorous"
# posted by Blogger Evil00007 : 8:18 AM
 
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