Monday, February 20, 2006

 

My Resume

Title:

High Tech Martyr

Objective:

I am seeking a position that will utilize many years experience taking the blame for things that don't go as planned.

Experience:

Company Name withheld (2000-Present)
  • helped deliver a project 2 months late and $149,000 over budget
  • created custom reports to accurately display the level of failure
  • generated colorful charts and graphs to compare this failed project with more successful projects of the past
  • used multiple sofware packages to incorrectly track progress
Company Name withheld (1998-2000)
  • successfully accepted blame for a large scale enterprise software soltuion that was never completed
  • blindly managed 100+ resources towards no deliverable
  • coversaw $1.2 million allocated towards no particular goal
  • documented the entire process of false information with multiple software packages
Company Name withheld (1995-1998)
  • successfully mismanaged multiple projects for clients including Hewlett Packard, Intel, Compaq, Sony, and Toshiba
  • poorly documented project status with Microsoft Project, Microsoft Excel, and Task Tracker
  • communicated false and/or useless information to top-level management with PowerPoint
  • accpeted full responsibilty to save Top level management the embarrassment of failure
Other Duties:
  • failed holiday party (2002)
  • forgot to clean office kitchen (2001)
  • alphabetized files incorreclty (2001)
  • forgot to FedEx important documents (2000)
  • insulted CEO's wife(1984)

Additional Skills:

I am also available to screw up and accept blame for private parties, family events, office parties and bar mitzvahs

Contact:

For more information, please leave a comment.
No reasonable offer will be refused.

Comments:
Here I inform you that I have put your resume on my database. Once I finalize the plan to give my enemy's corporation a total blow, I will call you up.


Continue to sharken your sword....
 
LOVE that shit... funny!
 
Dude, that is too hilarious. I will have to link to you, oi.

/javi
 
Can I copy?
 
Copy to where?
 
I've decided to hire you based on your honesty. Congratulations. Your cubicle is in the basement... just follow the mushrooms growing along the wall and you'll come to a retro-style computer. Bring a crossword puzzle with you to occupy yourself while you wait for the commodor 64 to boot up.

I think you'll do great things here.
 
Awesome work man...is this stuff ur own frankenstein brain work or is it some techie messing with us..super stuff though..
 
Very funny, thanks for the laugh.
 
:) Funny I love this page.

R2K
 
I feel your pain brother. Day after day I have to listen to people whine about the shit that isn't working (9 times out of 10 it is something they screwed up). It comes with the trade, noone ever knows the millions of things going on behind the scenes to keep their precious network going, but they are quick to bitch when something goes down. They can all suck my Scrote!
 
That's hilarious!
 
Very Funny...You cannot HAVE MY Job!
 
That's great.
 
great stuff !
 
I'll be applying for a job this summer. If I use a similar resume, what are the chances I win the job for just being honest?
 
You're hired.
 
Absolutely awesome blog dude
 
Are you a log honker?

The way to honk a log:

Go to the store
Buy a honk-honk horn
Find a log
Attach horn to the log
Honk the horn

Sincerely,

Gruntie
 
This neither funny nor "Humorous"
 
Oh shit, it's that girl on The Apprentice!!
 
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