Monday, February 27, 2006

 

Clumsy, Uncomfortable Sex

Please, deliver me a man who kisses with more than the required amount of saliva, rendering me unsure whether to wipe my mouth for fear of embarassing him. A man, perhaps, who fumbles with my breasts as though there were giant bees or land mines - oh, for a man who smells my hair for far too long a period of time as though it did not smell good but merely *interesting*, like a bloodhound attempting to track an escapee hiding in my follicles. A man who has sex with his socks on during The Weakest Link -

(Mike, why did you pick Susie" bump bump bump "Because he didn't know where the Nile river was" bump bump "Mike! You ARE the Weakest link, goodbye!" bump bump bump)

Let him have difficulty with the condom and then ask if it's ok not to use it.

Please send me a man who, somehow, manages to put it in so it feels *sideways* and pokes at my clitoris like he's trying to buzz a deaf person into his apartment. Let him say things like "I'm ramming you!" and "Fum-muma-fum-muma oh oh oh" while he does it. Let him come after three minutes and then, please, please, please let him idly fiddle with his flaccid penis while laughing at Supercuts commercials.

Comments:
too funny, too much. been there. just stick your finger up his ass next time. if there's a next time. of course, there's the chance he'll enjoy it.
 
Okay, I've taken notes on the pertinent parts, but I have a few questions still.

Wiping your dick on the curtains afterwards is still okay, right?

Yelling out someone else's name? Good idea? Bad idea?

Does it really hurt that much when you're fumbling with a bra strap and it flicks back onto your bare skin?



Thanks for the laugh :)
 
great stuff-
i agree- stick your finger up his ass next time!!
 
I'm in the finger-through-sphincter camp on this one. Then again, why go for his G-spot if he doesn't care about yours?

I, for one, like a man that jams his tongue down my throat and sweeps it like I'm choking on a $100 bill. Mmmm, yes.
 
Too real to be funny.
 
Stubbled here and your title caught my attention. GREAT. Just funny. I like the line on a new TV show coming out called Sons & Daughters, "You may find out when you get married that sex isn't all that." reply, "I would rather shot myself."
 
Hey, I said that I wouldn't blog about what I thought about your score in the saddle, and you said you wouldn't say anything about me.

Traitor.


And by the way, it wasn't flaccid.
 
Does Anne Robinson still present The Weakest Link? If so, its kind of amazing that a penis was anything but flaccid while she was being telly-viewed.
 
lol...this is hilarious. thanks for the pick-me-up!
 
This absolutely cracks me up...
 
Love the site - keep up the fun!
 
heeey nice blog by the way ;)

i just wonna know how to you remove the blogger N.bar ??
 
hahhahhah that's funny. you have my empathy ;)
 
Very funny stuff - keep blogging!
 
Hi,

To the one that asked about removing the blogger nav bar, I didn't remove the navbar, you simply must scroll up.

Read: Why Hide the Blogger Banner?
 
omg that was just too close to home if you know what i mean. if you see my blog you'll find mister wonderful himself right on the first post :D
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
that is great! and as much as it sucks, half the time true
 
And when they say... Have you already come, have you already come? Looking at you with that face of "darling I am about to come, why the hells aren't you?"
That really pisses me of
 
And when they say... Have you already come, have you, have you already come? And look at you with that face of "darling I am about to come, why the hell aren't you?"
 
This blog is just wonderfully darling.
 
Love the blog but it also goes for women as well. Maybe not sloppy kissing but lazy kissing. Check out my blog at www.deepinthebush.blogspot.com
 
Quite a riot love...

until next time..

~Tef
 
the bra is a complex piece of clothing u know!!
loved the blog...haha
 
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