Jokes and Humor Online

Space Alien looking for human male subject for scientific experimenation - maybe more. I'm looking for a man who wants more than capture, probe, mind wipe and release.

I'm 9' tall, grey skin, gills, long smooth tentacles with lots of suckers, cold slimy skin and green eyes. Most men find me attractive! I'm easy going and have a great sense of humor. If you mind meld with me you'll know that. I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 100,000 years - but I think I'm ready again.

I like to spend a romantic evening soaking in a nice big tub of warm brine and have someone to mind meld with and rub my tentacles - touching - feeling - especially the 9th tenacle - if you know what I mean. --- hmmmmmm --- ;;-))

So, you jauntily march into the office at 8:55 AM, ready for another hot, steamy day at work. You're dressed casual, with tight black jeans and a shiny blue button-down. You say the prefunctory "'Morning" to your cube-mates, who begin to drool as usual since you are so foxy. You think to yourself that it's an interesting coincidence that so many managers have taken alot of vacations in the past few weeks. Like every day, you check Fucked Company for your news of the day, since it get's you hot and ready for work action. You think to yourself, "I wish my manager would fire my ass, but he's such a wimp, he'd never do it. Too bad, since he'd be cute if he was more dynamic and forceful. Ugh, why am I so attracted to people who fire me? It never lasts!"

10:00 AM rolls around. Just back from another do-nothing, go-nowhere meeting, you sit at your cube and check FC once more. "Hello! What's this? _MY_ compnay is laying off 75% of it's staff?!? Oh, I'm so hot now! Maybe Jack will fire me, oh, I'm so horny now!" A few minutes later, Jack pokes his head out of his office and asks sheepishly that you come in. You can hardly stand it, you want him so bad! He's really gonna do it! You can feel it!

"Well, I have some bad news for you. The company is laying off 75% of the staff, and my department is being completely eliminated."

"I see."

"Please pack up your personal things into this box, and please sign these papers"

You look at the papers. "Hey, wait, these say I'm being layed off. I want to be fired."

"Huh. Well, no, we are laying you off."

"Are you that much of a wimp that you can't fire a woman when she's asking for it?"

"Well, I..."

"Get some balls! I WANT YOU TO FIRE ME RIGHT NOW!"

"I just...."

"NOW!" You rush over to him, and pull him out of his chair by his shirt collar. "Do you UNDERSTAND? Fire me NOW!"

"OK, YOU'RE FIRED!"

"Oh, YES! More!"

"You're the worst employee ever! You're FIRED! You're FIRED! FIRED!"

The lovemaking lasts for two hours, with the passion getting hotter with each new form to fill out and sign. You've never been fired like this before, not with this much pent-up passion and urgency. You feel like you're being fired everywhere, all at once. After the heat is passed, you go home, satisfied. You pass out, exhasted from the furious firing session from earlier. You wake up the next morning, jobless, yet ready to call for Unemployment with a resolve that you hadn't had before. It's an addiction, but an addiction that you have no intention of kicking. You can't wait until you are fired again.

You thought you were going to have a fun-filled evening didn't you? Your girlfriend @ your side, a drink ticket in hand, nothing could go wrong. So you thought when I walked by & your girlfriend wasn't looking you could catch a little grab @ my crotch. There was no mistake...you grabbed it, & grabbed it hard.

Little did you know I was the manager of the club. Yes, that's right, you just grabbed the manager's vagina. & no, you were not drunk, so that can no be used as an excuse. YOu pathetically denied it as two bouncers pounced on top of you (& even a few other patrons). You were removed per my order. I hope you had a wonderful New Year's after spending $$ on the cover charge that you couldn't enjoy.

Dare I assume you also flash small children in the playgournd during lunch?

You know who you are! Ahh, I remember it well, that autumn day in 1988. My friends and I were headed from school (Catholic grade school, nonetheless) to baseball practice at Aptos Field. Apparently, we wandered onto the literal wrong side of the (MUNI) tracks. There you all were. You crossed the street, intimidated my friends, I saw them receeding, those damn nancy-boy sissies, damn our Catholic other-cheek-turning upbringing. You advanced like an otter stalking its prey. "That's nice, can I see it" you said. "No", said I, resolute in my desire to be able to keep my ghetto blaster. I might want to blast "A Shoulder to Cry On" or anything from BelBivDeVoe in the future. But, you persisted and your friend - the one who apparently was a Joe Pesci in training, the lil' midget - sneered, replying that I better give it up, or his friend would "kick (my) ass". Seeing my punked friends crying and repeatedly making sign-of-the-cross motions, I finally acquiesced, bitterly. Just like it was yesterday, or at least the mid-'90's, I gave an internal guffaw of joy when I saw the speakers come crashing off the base as you crossed the street. "That'll show 'em", I thought. I was shaken. I had messed my pants. But, it's not like I think about it every day of my broken life or anything. So, where are you? Answer if you dare. Hahaha, the last laugh is mine. Byee all!

On date 3 you are worried about committment? Huh? Did we have a conversation during the what, 15 hours, that we've known each other about it?

"I can tell from your body language that you resist one-on-one relationships" you say. What? How did our conversation jump from Henry Miller to monogamy? Yeah, that makes sense. And where did the "confront your past" bullsh*t come from? You didn't even let me finish dessert!

Have I cheated on you in your mind? Are your imaginary friends saying dirty things about me? Are you moving too fast for yourself and blaming it on me? DO YOU EVEN KNOW I'M NOT JEWISH!! Well, walk away if you must, but just let me know if I was fulfilled in our relationship, or if you were good in bed.

I'm just a girl who likes going out with funny men. That's all. I even pay half the dinner tab. I don't cheat, fanagle engagement rings, or try to change your wardrobe. Ease up, poncho, we were just dating.