Jokes and Humor Online

OK, I admit it, I lied. In previous postings, I described myself as slender, attractive, independent, well-read, well-traveled, with great humor....but you saw right through me. Most of my replies were from shirtless, hairy biker dudes with a paunch the size of Gibraltar, whiny little boys begging me to be their Sugar Mama, foreign men hoping for a marriage ticket into the U.S., or guys so illiterate they couldn't spell "trichloroethylene" if their lives depended on it. The rest of you just had big equipment you wanted to show or tell me about.

So no more lies, this is the real me....I'm an agoraphobic. I haven't been out of my double-wide trailer in 14 years. I have 15, count 'em, FIFTEEN cats. I have perfected the art of talking to animals with a brain the size of a walnut in baby talk. I'm convinced they understand what I'm saying if I speak in a high sing-song voice. I'm sure you'd enjoy it if I talked to you this way as well. If you should decide you'd like to come over and visit, I'll run the vacuum on "your" chair. Promise.

My many interests include: The home-shopping network, building mazes out of newspaper stacks, playing "find the dead thing" in the back bedroom, creating mixed media art pieces out of found objects, and talking with my friends. Most of my friends call at around 6:00 p.m. and work for ATT or MCI but we don't talk for more than an hour so I'll have plenty of time for you.

I'm pretty desperate so I'll take about anything. You don't have to be 40ish, sophisticated, good-looking, single, sane, secure, well-read, well-traveled or anything like that. Anyone will do, really. And if it doesn't work out, you don't have to worry about me stalking you or anything. I don't get out much.

I am sure you are as cute as i thought you were, but i am not sure, it was dark. you were wearing a sweatshirt and you had a cap on. i was the one with the muddy jeans bent over the tree stump. i had fun, you did too (i found out later when i got home and found the stains).

sorry about the poo on your shoes.

coffee?

For immediate sale, one boyfriend, slightly used. If interested, please inquire. Details below:

Model: Caucasian

Gender: Male

Quantity: 1

Previous Owners: 4

Accessories: no baggage

Status: single

Age: 29

Hair: short dark blonde

Vision: nearsighted, hazel

Special skills: puts toilet seat down after use

Training: self-cleaning, chivalry

Personality: funny, honest

Known defects: none

Runs on: Thai food and hamburgers

Habitat: midtown Manhattan

Co-habitation: none (no roommates)

Last rotation: 2 months ago

Compatible with: unknown

Annual checkup: technician's report: "future outlook is bright"

Known allergies: mildly allergic to cats (goes away after a day)

Finances: low debt, good bank balance

Movies: yes

Dinner: preferably with the opposite sex

TV: only HBO

Cloned: yes

Original model: yes

Languages: English, HTML

Sex: varies

Programmable: yes

Condition: a few dents

Price: best offer

As for me I think there has to be a better way
for an adult to find a significant other today
I tried it , I admit I posted my note,
I got lots of answers from hordes of men who wrote
great winsome emails that made me grin.
but that was before reality set in.

So do me a favor and spare me the poems
and half baked attempts at palindromes
and all those testaments that you’re 50 but look 35
when you, I, and your mirror know it’s a blatant lie.

I have nothing against bald men who make passes
it’s the fact that you pretend that you aren’t that makes me gaseous.
no you don’t live at home with mom any more
but shucks, you just happen to live right next door.
And when I said I was looking for a little romance
I didn’t mean send me pictures of you sans pants.
And while we’re at it, I was more than amused
the measurements were interesting but what did you use?
did you measure yourself, in which case bravo
or did you just guess in which case ho ho…..

And yes, I meant no married men.
I don’t care that you can’t remember when
the last time it was you made love to your wife
if that’s really true, you should get a new life.
but just so you know that's a very old line,
every single woman knows that cheating whine.

I’m not perfect, don’t get me wrong,
but I’ve been honest all along.
I said I was old, with brown hair and brown eyes
so why on earth were you surprised ?
some of you said you preferred blond hair,
and others wanted some one 22 and fair
what did you think I was lying like you ?
Damn, everything I said was true.
Perhaps you just skimmed my short note
but I am just what I wrote.
and yes I get horny too
but I think the batteries will just have to do..

Of all the greasy foods i adore,
it is the one, Hunan Express, mi amor.
Sesame, General, Spicy, Lemon, alike,
this chicken, truely, is worth the hike.
Oh my tastebuds grow wild, thinking of such
as brocoli beef, fried rice, and eggrolls i munch.
Calories, sodium, MSG shall not forsake
my yearning for sour spicy soup can't wait.
Such haste in my lunch hour, i must make
for my one o'clock calls, i cannot be late.
Oh ladies of Hunan, scoop away!
Pile on the goodness of grease that i crave.
For nothing compares to a belly-full,
of quality take-out, of Hunan's rare jewel.

Yes, I have large breasts. Not excessively huge, but big, nonetheless. "A fine rack," you may say. "Big hooters." "Baywatch material." "Nicely stacked." "Melons." "Lovely grapefruits." Or my favorite, "TORPEDOES!" Feh.

The fact is, I hate them. Loathe and detest. Despise. I want them off my body and gone! Not only do they give me backaches, but I can't sleep on my stomach. I find it hard to kiss someone, as there's always this "mass" between us. Sex is a bitch. I can no longer jog. My cat actually WALKS down out of the window onto my lap by way of my breasts! Unfortunately, I don't have much lap left. I have a hard time buttoning shirts, since those two buttons at chest-level are stretched tight and constantly break off and the rest are loose. I often find leftovers lingering there. And odd things, like leaves and Post-It notes.

Yeah, you're probably laughing at this point, but it's really NOT FUNNY! (Well, not unless you laugh at the fact that I actually have a T-shirt that my left nipple has *rubbed a hole in* -- not unlike the way guys pumice their jeans to make their dick look bigger and burlier, like it actually wore through their trousers and is about to chase you down the street. I'm not talking a white, faded spot, though; I'm talking an *actual* HOLE in my T-shirt! You know, so my nipple can look out and see the world (and perhaps chase you down the street), thus mocking me even more.)

Guys, how would you like to have balls so big that you couldn't lay on your stomach or see your shoes when standing? Or jog? Or hug someone without them jutting into the other person, forcing you to lean over or else stand several inches away. Wait, stupid question, why did I ask? Forget I said that.

Girls with small(er) breasts, you don't know how lucky you are! Why in the hell would you want to *increase* the size of them?!? Especially with some gelatinous unknown substance in a plastic baggie, blech! Wait, stupid question. Forget I said that. But that's the reason I'm here!

I want to trade my large breasts for your smaller ones! Mine are pasty white, but I don't really care what color yours are, as long as they're comfortable and I can sleep face-down... and reclaim my lap. No reasonable offer refused.

E-mail me now, if you would like to swap.

I'll tell ya, I come in today to 49 new messages, not one personal. If I believed what was in my inbox, my name would be Joe Blanch. I'd be out of debt, have a bigger penis and breasts, be working from home making $5000 per week, while watching brittney spears and mariah carey in a suck-fuck fest.... AND, Bonus, found all of my highschool friends and classmates that I've lost touch with over the years.

OK, some advice please. Please save comment if you disagree. We obviously have a difference of opinion without my being a greedy dot-com.

I've been cohosting for a guy my age for the past 6 mos and we get along great, apache/ssl, ssh, stunnel for email, etc. I've fscked his disks (he hasn't mine because its a RAID array) and we know each other's root passwords. Things are progressing well. We have been having net and now I think it might be time to pull away because, like it or not, I really want him to propose a fiscal arrangement to me and I fear that it won't happen if he continues to get net any time he wants it. There's nothing stopping him from keeping this arrangement indefinitely, right?

My question is: how do I pull back without it backfiring with him thinking that I'm dropping his packets? Ipfw configuration up to this point has been a very nice aspect of our relationship.

I'd appreciate any advice, particularly from other oldfashioned (pre 99) ISPs with similar opinions to mine.

Thanks!

Man-eating couch! $1200 (Leatheriticus Carnivicus)

On first appearances, this member of the sectional couch family looks harmless, but after sitting in it for less than 30 seconds, most prey finds itself lured to sleep by the incredibly comfortable cushions and soft fill. When the prey reaches a fully unconscious state, the couch will begin to remove items (loose change, keys, cameras, wallets, etc.) from the victim's pockets. Although this may sound horrible, this particular Leatheriticus Carnivicus is fully domesticated and will surrender most plunder without any fuss. Leatheriticus will definitely NOT run out into the back yard and bury your wallet, although he has successfully hidden a camera for a period of 3 months.

Leatheriticus is in excellent condition--his black leather coat is unmarred and clean.

I have to move, unfortunately, and don't have the necessary pasture land to support him anymore. He can deal with up to 5 prey at any one time due to his L-shaped nature.

Imagine for a second if you will......... you are driving down the road and all the ladies keep looking at you coquettishly. Is it your new hair plugs? Your new gold medallion you got last time you went to Tijuana? No, it's your car, the very car you bought because of this ad. It's a classic car boys and let's face it, you need all the help you can get; you aren't getting any younger. Prove your masculinity and fix this baby up, it wont take much effort but you can make it sound like you did a lot of work.

This blue 1990 Honda Prelude 2.0 Si is in excellent shape and condition and it must go. I am a lazy git, otherwise I would take care of the minor problems myself.

$1,200 and it's yours.

This car boasts

- power windows
- power steering
- cruise control (FREE dime to hold down the button)
- manual transmission (a stick shift)
- a full tank
(that's right, comes with it's own gas!! act now before my shady neighbours siphon it off)
- clean seats and floors (after you vacuum them)
- moon roof (with a button to work it with)
- five working seatbelts
- ash tray
- coin compartment
- tow thingie (which might be called a trailer hitch without the ball thing on it)
- steering wheel
- AM/FM radio with tape player
- tires (with air)
- possible movie fame*
- over 300,000 miles**

This car has never been

- smoked in
- sold
- stolen
- successfully broken into
- flooded
- abducted by aliens
- out of the USA
- cloned
- bugged by the feds
- used to break the front window of a shop so my mates can run in and grab all the candy bars
- kindling
- a prop in a porno
- used to tow an ATM machine
- possessed by satan
- sued
- used to cruise for hookers
- blessed by the pope
- a clown car
- photographed for a magazine with a hot chick's ass resting on it
- abducted by aliens
- involved in an accident (unless you count the time an elementary school teacher backed into it and caused a small dent -- I was too lazy to get it fixed)
- lit on fire
- intoxicated
- a flotation device
- a feline mating ground
- bungee jumping
- used as a rectal thermometer
- in a monster truck rally or demolition derby
- involved in a robbery, drive by shooting or pyramid scheme
- chatted up
- used to traffic drugs or illegal immigrants
- a substitute for a clothes dryer
- a murder weapon
- affiliated with the Russian Mafia
- flogged

This car has never had

- a creepy dead body in it.
- a jealous ex-girlfriend clinging to the top of it screaming desperately "don't leave me" as I drove away
- inoculations
- expired tags

wow! such a great car..... but what's wrong with it?

- needs a new timing belt to replace the broken one this means you will have to bring a tow truck or levitation device to take the car home with you
- the cable that makes the speedometer work need to be replaced
- the A/C doesn't seem to work
- hardly noticeable pen marks, possibly removable (think of this as 'local art')

This car has never had Microsoft's hands in the design, build, or maintenance. This car is Linux friendly. (but must be properly cleansed due to having been driven thrice by a Microsoft programmer

Just cos I like your pants I'm throwing in a set of chains (that really fit!). Now, when you go...... well, where ever you find snow, you'll be ready.

Email me for any further information, but please do not email asking if I'm serious I AM. Please do not email me with questions which can be answered by simply reading the above. If this ad is still here, the car is still available.

Live the good life, buy my car.

* possible movie fame = they filmed aerial shots for the movie 'Rat Race' in my aunt's neighbourhood in Southern California and my car was parked in the driveway at the time. Yes, I'll autograph it at no extra charge.

** has had the engine replaced once but I don't know when

Space Alien looking for human female subject for scientific experimenation - maybe more. I'm looking for a woman who wants more than capture, probe, mind wipe and release.

I'm 9' tall, grey skin, gills, long smooth tentacles with lots of suckers, cold slimy skin and green eyes. Most women find me attractive! I'm easy going and have a great sense of humor. If you mind meld with me you'll know that. I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 100,000 years - but I think I'm ready again.

I like to spend a romantic evening soaking in a nice big tub of warm brine and have someone to mind meld with and rub my tentacles - touching - feeling - especially the 9th tenacle - if you know what I mean. --- hmmmmmm --- ;;-))

*This is a very specific fantasy. Read in its entirety before responding*

You know who you are. You're so over the vanilla sex life. You're into pushing your limits and the sexual envelope. What others consider kinky, you consider tame, maybe even boring. You're one nasty man.

So this is what I propose....

We arrange a time and I come over. You greet me by stripping off your clothes and telling me I own you for the night. I lead you to your living room. From my bag, I take a good length of rope, sit you down, and tie you up to the point that you're completely restrained...

I reach into my bag again and walk over to your TV. Suddenly you realize what's happening. I've put on every episode of every season of Dawson's Creek.

In the meantime, as you're helpless and tied and subjected to what could be some of the worst torture you've ever experienced, I'm running up your phone bill, being cutesy and baby-talking to my boyfriend back in Michigan or Ohio or wherever, telling him how much I love him and miss him.

Or we could just phuk.

You had no idea you did it and it's not that I'm actually angry at you, but rather a bit puzzled as to how someone could step in a pile of dog shit that considerable, IN STRAPPY HEELS, NOT NOTICE, and then as you continue to do your heel-toe chicken strut manage to fling a small portion of said shit directly into my shin.

This happened on the west side of Sunny Brook Lane near Grand Ave. I saw it in your face that you had no recognition of what you were doing, for that I shall spare you any rage-filled verbal lynching, but by now you must have figured it out, cleaned it off, and are probably neck-deep in the toilet vomiting up the last of your banana nut muffin b/c I SAW some of it on your open toe, which no doubt you have by now as well.

So, shit-kicker, I do not blame you for your actions, for I am a Buddhist and realize the futility of such an action, but I do pose a question; karmically speaking, you stepped in that dog shit for a reason, probably a wrong-doing of some kind in a past life or in this one. I ask you what you think you might have done to cause this event to transpire, and, how did I get involved. As the Buddha taught 2500 years ago, we all keep coming back, over and over again, starting off where we left off from the previous life. So as I'm reflecting on this right now, I realize the error in my ways. Perhaps it is I who owes the apology, seeing as how some sort of horrible transgression on my part towards you was finally paid up today when you sent that Hershey kiss of dog excrement hurtling towards my Banana Republic pants.

Everything is random, yet nothing is. So I digress my shit-kicking girl...I say we're even. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry about that little incident 239 years ago. I never intended to have my horse kick you in the mouth like that.

Ok, that's a lie, I kinda intended, but didn't think it would cause such extensive damage. The practice of Dentistry wasn't then what it is today.

I usually wear minimizer bras. They aren't the sexiest undergarments out there, but the support they give my girls is outstanding. Recently I have been bored with them and since there recently was a sale in my favorite department store, I decided to purchase some bargain bras.

I was attracted to the one I am wearing today because it is a deep red satin, and it's what they call a "Plunge" bra. The support comes from the underwire and from some gentle padding on the sides that also push the breasts together for a little cleavage action. However, with my DD's, this means some MAJOR cleavage action.

I look like Jessica Rabbit. This is why I usually wear a minimizer, nobody has looked me in the eye once today. Half of me is mortified and the other half of me is sashaying around like a Russ Meyer's Supervixen.

I flashed back this afternoon to an experience I had in high school and perhaps the root of my breast-shame. I was wearing a cardigan with a low V and nothing underneath except my bra and was intently reading a book at my lunchtable. I suddenly was struck with something that then went down my shirt. Stuck between my full breasts was a french fry. I looked up to see who threw it at me and saw it was Eddie L., the class prankster, and a friend of mine.

"What the hell, Eddie?" I said and he threw another french fry.

"Hey, you're a fuckin' Happy Meal!" he said, as both french fries were now sticking up from my cleavage. "All you need is the burger and coke because you got the fries and the toys!!!" I was crimson, but laughed it off because I didn't want to be uncool. I never wore a low v-neck again.

Today I am, though. And for the sake of science, I have placed the following items between my breasts here at my desk, to see if my cleavage could support them.

Letter opener, highlighter, white out, nail file, sunglasses.

Just thought I'd share.

Has all of your air leaked out ? Let me repair you so you can put the rubber to the road again. Varooooom...Ladies...you may start your engines.

My repair shop has all the right tools to do the job.

Imagine having your wheels rotated and your carborator cleaned...it's been awhile...how bout a tune up ?

I promise not to leave greasy fingerprints on your body. Let's get those plugs firing again !

This metaphysical mechanic will lay her lesbian touch on your vehicle. There is nothing like the purrrrr of a finely tuned machine.

We need your help urgently! We must inform public about the enormous risk involved with Continental Drift. If we do not stop this phenomenon we will all face a terrible end. If the continents continue pressing forward at their currant rate we will all face the grave realities involved. We can NOT just sit back and take a “wait and see” attitude. This ever-present condition does not just affect us here in this country; it is now a worldwide issue. People of the world need to unite together and go toe to toe with these behemoth slabs of crust. People…This is WAR! If you support earthquakes and volcanic activities then this doesn’t apply to you, but if this directional drift is adversely affecting you, we can make a change!
On Saturday we are organizing a “direct response” We MUST all go to the ocean and collectively PUSH BACK THESE MONSTRATIVE PLATES! WE CAN DO THIS!!!

Bring your fins and flippers or a car jack will also be helpful!

See you there!

I really hate this whore that my brother married. I can not describe to you what a selfish-self centered cunt she is. At 35, this little sawed off dwarf (I dont mean to offend the short or those who have dwarfism - BUT I HATE THIS CUNT)- who is a nurse, by the way, ACCIDENTALLY GOT PREGNANT. You do not get accidentally pregnant, at 35, with at least a pretty reasonable grasp on medical concepts. This was such a total ploy, so ridiclously transparent that I want to smack her.

Oh it is not just me that thinks she is a dog-dick sucking whore. My Brother, who will be refered to as IDIOT-BOY, hereafter, when he decided to get married, asked his best friend of 36 years to be his best man, Buck bowwed out and said I want no partof this unholy union. While the vows were being said, my mother wheeled our father out of the church (He was confined to a wheelchair) while they were exchanging vows. My sister and I wore black. This CUNT-DWARFs brother yelled at my friend at the reception - show us your tits, show us your tits. Her whole family is comprised of short, ugly (and I am no prize-winner so I feel I am a good judge of ugly) creatins - with a poor grasp of the english language.

When my mother found out that she was pregant she looked at my brother and said "i can not believe you mixed my genes with hers".

Needless to say I was then STUCK in this blackout with this whore at my house. They had just flown in from Denver. I had to listen to this Stuck-up little bitch ALL NIGHT.

It's so hot - I can't believe how hot NY is (Okay Denver is in 3rd year of drought. It is also in the 90's there. Plus this frickin cunt lived in NY for 20 years.)

These chairs are leather, its too hot to sit on these chairs - I'll stick to them (You little sawed off Smurf - you should consider yourself lucky you didn't get lost between 2 cushions)(You should consider yourself lucky I don't own a gun)

I can't believe the METs aren't playing, I flew all the way out here to see the METS play the Rockies, I don't understand why they aren't playing (Gee 50 MILLION OTHER PEOPLE are inconvienced too - you cheap self centered cunt - By the way that dress you got married in made you look like a fireplug - if you are that short try something with a little shape - EVERYONE thought it was HIDEOUS - you pig)

Why don't you have any diet Root Beer in the house? (Because I don't like, the stores are closed and I can't get any)

Why dont I have any beer in the house? (I don't drink very much)

When my neighbor offered up - pineapple juice (yeah, sorry, canned), fresh squeezed lime, and rum, topped off with mint from my garden - did he get a thank you - no He got "Don't you know how to make a Mohito - and This is warm, Why don't you have any ice." he wondered off mumbling under his breath 'what a bitch, I thought you were making this up.' Sorry Sean, I wasn't lying.

Finally I would like to add how she almost killed me. She was born out of the country, but moved here when she was 2, lived here for 34 years, and went to school in the united states, so she has no excuses for this.

I try to avoid conversation with her - but she approached me on this.
"what are you reading" - I was reading a book for a review of American literature. I said
"oh you wouldn't understand it, its CATCHER IN THE RYE." trying to brush off the conversation. She then said
"oh, its about BASEBALL. I love baseball."
I could feel my blood pressure start to spike, there was ahigh pitched buzz in my left ear. My eye was twitching. I said,
"no - its about alienation."
"Oh, ALIEN NATION, wasn't that a tv series."
at this point the blood was leaking from ear. I had to lie down on the bathroom floor, on the cold tiles, until I could breath easily again. I kept clicking my heels together saying 'theres no place like home, theres no place like home.'

Thank GOD, that thanksgiving only comes once a year. I am already planning on being sick the day before.

I HATE this woman, and I have a hard time dealing with my brother for inflicting this scourge on the family. We all hate her.

If you are a very good looking man, tall, white, (she is Fillapino, but I have only heard of her only dating white men), and can pretend that you have money, or are rich, or a doctor, or a lawyer - my sister and i will pay you $1000 to hit on and seduce this dog-faced cunt (have a strong stomach, I mean it, some asian women are really beautiful --- this one IS NOT) - shes got a kicked in face like a rat-terrier -- we will give you a $1000 dollars to sleep with her get caught and bust up this marriage. My other sister approves of this plan but has no money to kick in, she is very broke, but says if you need baby sitting shes available. My mother says if we can pull it off -- more power to us.

Thank You for listening - Anyone else have in-laws they hate as much - maybe we can get a pool going and hire someone to take care of everything.

Love to all

Me (and my poor, crippled mother) really need a car to get to the unemployment office, as my Volkswagen Beetle won't pass smog. If your recent vintage, (98 or newer, please) Ferrari isn't getting used enough, please consider giving it to me and my mother. I would need you to pay for insurance and give me a credit card for gas, oh and drop it off at the shelter for me. Please wash it first and fill it with gas, as I am a person in a hurry and can't imagine having to take time out from my busy day to do those sort of things. Please have your ( free and clear ) title ready for me.

Thank you... I will possibly accept multi-processor Sun boxes and Cisco BFR's, if you'll deliver and configure...

/*program*/
#define MIN_LUST_FOR_LIFE = 10

#include "yourpic.h"
#include "coolness.h"

main()
{
if (lustForLife >= MIN_LUST_FOR_LIFE)
{
sendMeYourPicture();
}
else
{
getLost();
}

while (overEighteenYearsOld == true)
{
if (theNightIsYoung == true)
{
giveMeACall();

arrangeDateOnFridayNight();
}
}
//you must be cool and know it, age 24-28
//i am SEXY, h0t, not a mormon housewife
//being delicious is not everything
}