Monday, February 27, 2006

 

Clumsy, Uncomfortable Sex

Please, deliver me a man who kisses with more than the required amount of saliva, rendering me unsure whether to wipe my mouth for fear of embarassing him. A man, perhaps, who fumbles with my breasts as though there were giant bees or land mines - oh, for a man who smells my hair for far too long a period of time as though it did not smell good but merely *interesting*, like a bloodhound attempting to track an escapee hiding in my follicles. A man who has sex with his socks on during The Weakest Link -

(Mike, why did you pick Susie" bump bump bump "Because he didn't know where the Nile river was" bump bump "Mike! You ARE the Weakest link, goodbye!" bump bump bump)

Let him have difficulty with the condom and then ask if it's ok not to use it.

Please send me a man who, somehow, manages to put it in so it feels *sideways* and pokes at my clitoris like he's trying to buzz a deaf person into his apartment. Let him say things like "I'm ramming you!" and "Fum-muma-fum-muma oh oh oh" while he does it. Let him come after three minutes and then, please, please, please let him idly fiddle with his flaccid penis while laughing at Supercuts commercials.

Comments:
Okay, I've taken notes on the pertinent parts, but I have a few questions still.

Wiping your dick on the curtains afterwards is still okay, right?

Yelling out someone else's name? Good idea? Bad idea?

Does it really hurt that much when you're fumbling with a bra strap and it flicks back onto your bare skin?



Thanks for the laugh :)
 
I'm in the finger-through-sphincter camp on this one. Then again, why go for his G-spot if he doesn't care about yours?

I, for one, like a man that jams his tongue down my throat and sweeps it like I'm choking on a $100 bill. Mmmm, yes.
 
Too real to be funny.
 
This absolutely cracks me up...
 
Love the site - keep up the fun!
 
heeey nice blog by the way ;)

i just wonna know how to you remove the blogger N.bar ??
 
Very funny stuff - keep blogging!
 
Hi,

To the one that asked about removing the blogger nav bar, I didn't remove the navbar, you simply must scroll up.

Read: Why Hide the Blogger Banner?
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
that is great! and as much as it sucks, half the time true
 
the bra is a complex piece of clothing u know!!
loved the blog...haha
 
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